For the rest of my life I will search for moments full of you. -Anonymous

May 21, 2015

Dear Maggie-

I wish things had turned out differently. I wish that tonight I was sitting here with my hospital bags packed, hyping your brothers up for the birth of their baby sister. I wish that I had butterflies fluttering so strongly in my belly at the anticipation of your delivery-your first cry, seeing your dad's proud face, feeling my heart swell so much I would think it were about to burst when I would be holding you in my arms for the first time. Would you have James' button nose? Or Thomas' blue eyes? 

I've spent the past four months wishing I could just wake up from this nightmare. Just wake up and have you still here with me. Unfortunately it hasn't happened, and I'm left here feeling broken hearted tonight. I'm coping. I'm getting by. Grief is cruel and unpredictable, but I'm finding ways to work with it. A dear friend gave me a sign with a beautiful quote, "For the rest of my life I will search for moments full of you." How perfect is that? I can't have you with me, so I find that searching for those moments helps me find peace in this unbelievable loss. I want to share with you some of the beauty that is you.

Maggie-you are the first star I see in the sky every night, the soft breeze I feel on my face. You're the breathtaking purple sunsets. You are the feathers that land gently beside me or surprise me in the most random of places, (I saw Thomas playing with one the other day and it made me smile). You are the glitter that covers the freshly fallen snow, the songs that the cardinals sing to me. You are the tiny butterflies that follow me around when I'm working in the yard. You are the blossoms that are popping around the yard that surprise me now everyday. You are my dandelion field full of wishes.

Sweet girl-you are the magic I hear in the belly laughs that your brothers share. You are the energy I feel when your father wraps his strong arms around me and tells me everything is going to be OK. You are the warmth in the tears that stain my cheeks when I question God, "Why?" You are the chills I get when I wrap my prayer shawl around me. I know you are with us-always. 

My Daughter-You are the reason that I've promised myself that I will slow down and focus on these hidden gifts. You are the reason that I will spend every day on this earth appreciating life, enjoying life, fulfilling my life. You are the reason I am excited for Heaven some day. You are the reason I no longer question just how beautiful Heaven is-I know...I held a piece of Heaven in my arms the day I held you. 

Sometimes I catch myself pressing my fingers together as though your tiny hand is still between them. I never want to forget your hands, the way my lips felt when they kissed your perfect forehead, how small you felt in my arms. I'll continue to remember you and to feed these memories, to allow the grief to set in because grief is love with no place to go. Instead of carrying you in my arms, I will carry you in my heart, until we meet again.

Until then...I'll continue to search for those moments full of you.