I've seen your messages, texts, posts, cards, generous gifts...and I want to say thank you on behalf of Andy, James, Thomas, and me. I've spent the last month trying to find the lights in all of my darkness. Your words have brought me hope, healing, and restored my faith...for that I am grateful. I know you've been concerned, and I want to share my story with you.
I've always considered my boys blessings. I was born with a heart shaped uterus, sounds cute right? Kind of like a care bear? Well unfortunately, women born with bicornuate (heart shaped) uteruses struggle with infertility. When pregnancy happens, most babies are born pre-term or under weight. I was a wreck when I found out I had a heart shaped uterus back in 2008 when I became pregnant with James, but at 41 weeks, I gave birth to a big, healthy boy. Thomas followed suit in 2011 and came in with the exact same measurements as his brother. I couldn't have been happier.
Maggie was our sweet surprise. We had planned both pregnancies with our boys, so when I suddenly was nauseous back on September 20, 2014, it was a pleasant surprise to find out it wasn't a stomach virus, but that God had blessed us with another baby. I'm the type of person, who when she sees a positive pregnancy test, I have my entire life planned out with the baby. I may not know if it is a girl or a boy, what he or she will look like, but I know I have first smiles, steps, days of school, graduations, and weddings ahead of me. I love my babies from the moment I know they exist.
The timing was a little crazy. We had sold our condo, moved into my brothers' basement, was under negotiations on our forever home, and it was the busiest time of year at work.
My pregnancy with Maggie was similar to my others. The morning/all day sickness consumed me, I "popped" early, and the smell of coffee made me ill. I saw my little gummy bear at my first ultrasound and was thrilled. Days later, I was on the way home from a health fair when I received a call from my OBGYN. You know when the actual doctor calls, something must be wrong. She said they had found a small blood clot in my uterus and they were going to keep a close eye on it. She told me to take it easy and we'd check it again at my next ultrasound. Best case-the clot would be absorbed by my uterus around 20 weeks, or the worst case would be a miscarriage. I was a wreck. I cried and worried the whole ride home and just prayed everything would be OK. I got coverage for my work meetings and stayed off my feet as much as possible. I promised to do anything I could to keep my baby safe.
The days seemed to fly by back in October and November. I had my appointments and Maggie always had a strong heartbeat. Before I knew it, it was time to have my elective ultrasound. I was so anxious to find out if we were having a boy or a girl that I asked Andy if I could have an ultrasound for my birthday. When the tech said we were having a girl, I was overjoyed. I couldn't believe that the boys were going to have a baby sister. She was going to be the first granddaughter for both sides of our family. I stopped and grabbed her ruby slippers on the way home so I could surprise my mom.
My happiness was shattered a week later. I woke up feeling contractions, and knowing that I was only 16 weeks along, something didn't feel right. I went to my doctor and she checked for the heartbeat and to see if I was dilated, and everything was fine. She sent me home and told me to drink water and rest. I didn't get the chance to do that because as soon as I got home, I hemorrhaged. I thought I had lost my baby girl. I rushed to the ER and they did an ultrasound. Maggie was fine, but my small blood clot had turned into a large hematoma. I was told again that it could be absorbed by 20 weeks, or I could miscarry. I was put on strict bed rest and took it seriously.
I had an ultrasound a week later and Maggie was kicking and playing around in my belly and everything looked to be OK-minus the menacing hematoma. I had been bleeding since my trip to the ER and continued to bleed until the end of December. I had 8 days between Christmas and January 9th where I didn't bleed and I finally had hope that things were going to be OK. I was 20 weeks and the bleeding was subsiding. I thought I was close to being in the clear with everything and I was so thankful.
Friday, January 9th was my anatomy appointment-the fun one. The one where we get to see the arms, legs, spine, heart, and gender. I was excited to see my baby again and was hopeful for some good news about the hematoma. I knew something was wrong right away when the ultrasound tech turned on the screen. There was no amniotic fluid. Maggie had no room to move or dance around like she had in her prior ultrasounds. I couldn't breathe or speak. The ultrasound tech isn't allowed to say anything, so she left the room and the high risk doctor came in. He sat and held my hand and told me that Maggie was out of fluid and once the fluid is gone, there is nothing they can do. He said without fluid, her lungs could not develop and her muscles would be damaged because she has no room to stretch out. He may as well have taken all of my oxygen away, because I couldn't breathe. Everything started to go in slow motion. We scheduled an appointment for the following Monday to do one more ultrasound to see if there was anything else we could do to try to save my pregnancy.
I stayed at my parents house that weekend. I couldn't let the boys see me in the state I was in. I've never been so overwhelmed with sadness in my life. As a parent, you want to fix everything. It tortured me knowing Maggie was in my belly with a strong heartbeat and knowing there was absolutely nothing I could do to fix the situation. My friends Jill and Meagan took me to the ER for IV fluids. I know the doctor had said there was nothing I could do to replace the fluid, but I wanted to try anything. My bleeding got heavier that weekend, and I went to Brigham and Women's Hospital because I thought I had lost her, or if I hadn't, I wanted to be sure I had exhausted all options. They confirmed she still had a heartbeat, but she had no fluid, and my hematoma was still really big. They apologized and said there was nothing further we could do.
Monday, January 12th, Andy and I reluctantly checked in at South Shore Hospital. We were greeted by a therapist who was going to sit in the room with us for our final ultrasound. They wrapped me in warm blankets because my body was shaking so hard I thought I was going to fall off the table. Andy and I held hands as we listened to the doctor explain that there was nothing we could do to save the pregnancy and that my bleeding was too risky for my own health. Our best option was to induce labor to deliver Maggie.
They brought me across the hallway to labor and delivery. A room full of nurses met me and helped me get as comfortable as possible. It was all surreal. There are no words anyone can say to parents who are losing a baby. I know its terrible for us as parents, but also for family, friends, or just anyone who crosses paths with us. My mother, Auntie Betsy, Jill, Liz, and Rachael came to the hospital later that night and never left my side. They braved our battle with us. They helped keep me comfortable, distracted me enough to make me smile at times, held me when I cried, and shared my fears.
I labored for 44 hours. I was tortured with wanting to deliver, but being so scared to say goodbye For those 44 hours I knew my daughter was still in my belly and with me. I never wanted to let her go. As it got closer to delivery, my dad joined my group of supporters. We were all in the room together when it was time to push. My mom and Auntie Betsy helped coach Andy and me through this experience. Andy held me close as I delivered our little girl. On January 14, 2015 I gave birth to my sleeping beauty. She was perfect. She looked just like James, had my hands, and Andy's feet. She had long legs for such a tiny little girl, and white blonde eyelashes and eyebrows. She was born with her little fingers in her mouth-so content. We held her and loved her for 5 hours before we had to say goodbye. My parents got to hold their first granddaughter, my Auntie Betsy baptized her, and her 3 Fairy Godmothers were there waiting to love her. Andy and I took those hours to study her, kiss her, and hold her. I had carried her for over 20 weeks and held her for 5 hours...Saying our goodbyes will forever be the most painful moment of my life. I don't know if my heart will ever really heal. People say you learn to live with it a bit more, but forever feels like an awful long time to miss someone this much. Leaving the hospital the next day was like leaving a war zone. My body was tired and sore, and my belly and arms were empty.
It turns out my hematoma just got "too big." My placenta wasn't fully functioning, so it wasn't providing Maggie with what she needed to survive. Because my placenta was a bit broken, I needed a D&C after delivering her. I was taken to the operating room for an hour where they removed any placenta or tissue from my uterus. I was told to take it easy when I got home to give my body time to heal. For 12 days after having Maggie, I was too tired to get up from bed, I still felt really sick, and I was still bleeding. I talked to the nurse at the doctor's office and she said it was common to bleed after delivery. I chalked the rest off to depression.
Monday, January 26th I woke up with labor pains. I got up to go to the bathroom to see what the heck was going on and I started hemorrhaging uncontrollably. I needed to be taken by ambulance to the hospital. I arrived at the ER and they were doing blood type tests on me because they knew I had lost so much blood a transfusion would be necessary. OB rushed me to the OR to have another D&C. I woke up after the procedure and found out that during the D&C, my uterus and bladder were punctured but they thought they had now removed all of the placenta. I had a laparoscopy to make sure nothing else was damaged in the meantime. The doctor said that some tissue had been left behind from the first D&C and it had gotten infected and my uterus still thought I was pregnant to it was still filling with blood. They kept me overnight and throughout the next day (the day of the blizzard). At that point I had had 4 blood transfusions, was spiking fevers, was still bleeding heavily, had the beginnings of pneumonia, and was too lethargic to lift my arms or legs. I was terrified.
The on call OBGYN said it would be in my best interest to be transferred to Beth Israel in Boston. She was worried that I was getting critical and she wanted me to be in Boston where they had better equipment and more specialists to help me. I was taken by ambulance to BIDMC and greeted by a team of specialists. One doctor really stood out to me. He pulled up a chair and sat beside my bed and asked me if I had delivered a boy or a girl. He asked me what her name was. He asked me what services we would be having for her and how I was going to grieve. Finally! Finally someone really understood that as worried as I was about my own health, I was suffering from a broken heart. I had just wanted someone to acknowledge Maggie in all of this mayhem. He reassured me that they would fix me and they'd have me home to my boys and healthy as soon as they could.
Within a few hours they had done ultrasounds and MRI's and they sat down as a team to come up with a plan for me. They came back to my room and went over the plan. They'd start with two more blood transfusions and do a D&C. If while in there, they felt that the D&C weren't working, they would do a C-section to have better access to my uterus to fix it. If that didn't work, I'd have a complete hysterectomy. Radiology and urology would be in the OR with the team to ensure nothing else got damaged and to control my bleeding. I am so serious when I say, when I said goodbye to Andy and my parents in pre-op, I didn't think I'd see them again. It was the scariest feeling I've ever had.
I woke up to cheering. I couldn't believe it. Not only did I wake up, but the doctors were all smiling. They had found a large piece of placenta that had been missed with my first 2 D&C's. I didn't need a C-section and I didn't need a hysterectomy. I was still in one piece. I was so relieved. I'll forever be thankful for those doctors that went in with a careful hand and fixed me.
Unfortunately because my uterus is still swollen from the pregnancy and the trauma, they couldn't operate on my bladder to repair the hole. I stayed in the hospital for a couple more days and was sent home with a Foley catheter. As annoying as it is, I'm just happy to be alive and home with my boys. I have to get through my bladder surgery and recovery and will finally be able to really heal mentally and emotionally. January felt like a year, not just a month. It's crazy what can happen in such a short time.
So here I am. It's still me. It feel's like me, but I just have a little more sadness in my heart. I found myself mad at God for having me keep Maggie after my first hemorrhage in December and for giving me hope. Once I held her in my arms, I knew why He did that. I have her face in my heart and the feeling of her tiny fingers wrapped around my thumb in my mind. For someone so small, who never breathed a breath of air out of my belly, she was SO loved.
Thank you for coming along on Maggie's journey with me. I felt you all rooting for us. The teamwork was incredible. Andy and I are forever thankful to all of you for loving our baby girl, and for being our lights in our darkest hours.
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